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雨后彩虹

21 August 2019

A Pharmacist with Depression

Hello everyone, I'm back to this blog after 4 years of inactivity. I was a Foundation student 4 years back and now I just graduated with Bachelor of Pharmacy. Yep, a healthcare professional who deals with drug. I'm back to here again to record and also to share with all of you about how was my life with depression which just happened a month ago.

First of all, don't be misled by the title. I'm not going to tell how the jobs of pharmacist cause depression however what I'm going to tell is how's my life living with depression as a healthcare professional. Well, the cause of my depression is simple yet complicated - the relationship issue. I know it might sound silly for some of you. You will never understand how I feel unless you stand in my shoes. I don't want to explain further regarding the cause. I just want to note down my daily life so that I can see how strong was I.

I have a great capability at remembering numbers and date, so I will start my story dated 25th July 2019. On this day, I started to have the feeling of being neglected, felt like he did this purposely. However, I told myself that I must endure this. I keep reminding myself "a man has his own thing to stress about too". I was really positive that time and continue to make myself busy with my own thing when he's not around. There's sometimes where my emotion was completely out of my control especially during late night. I was crying for the whole night till I was tired enough to sleep. He never realised because what he did was lying down and went into his sweet dream instantly. I was a quiet girl as well, maybe I thought I was strong enough to carry all the emotion inside my heart without expressing it out. He never realised my condition until there's a night (few days after 25th) where he asked me to meet him without my expectation. So, of course I wipe off my tears, changed a proper attire and then went to meet him. Still, a paper can't hold fire, my swollen eyes betrayed me. I think he roughly knew what've happened to me and then comfort me by telling me that it's a life challenge for us, just have to be patient and strong and sure we can overcome. I was too afraid to talk that time as I really scare that any of my sentence could made him to change his thought. He must be really stressed when he saw my condition that time. Besides, you told me you vape. It really hurts me a lot. I ever told myself since young, I DON'T WANT A HUSBAND WHO SMOKE, not to mention I'm a healthcare professional now, how the others look at me when they know my husband smoke?! I hid your vape instead of throwing it before I went back to hometown, you may find it in your house. There's a small memory I left to you anyway. He care for his image as well I know especially when he brought me to meet his friends. I've tried my best to make myself look good but just that I don't do make up. I've spent hundred thousand on my tuition fee unlike your some other friends who don't have this kind of trouble and can buy whatever make up kit they want. I already tried my best ad now please ask yourself, did you?

30th July 2019 is the date that I had to go back to my hometown since I've already completed my study. I was unwilling to go back but I have no choice since I have no role and purpose to continue staying here. I had really the worst night the day before I went back. I was crying all the night again but you still can sleep so tight. I was too sad and went to living room for some fresh air. I sat on the beanbag and asked myself "what made him changed to the current him which made me so sad?", "does he know that I feel the security he gave to me was at a critically low level?", "does he know he made me feel really upset these days before we separate?"... I gave myself an answer as well "he was just too busy to hunt for money to secure a better future, just forgive him". About half an hour later staying in living room, I went back to our room and continue crying. He gave me a hug but it was not warm as before. The reason why I felt insecure is because he posted a ig story which states that he wishes to travel alone and it gave me the feeling of he is stressed and wish to escape from something. I was really upset as you should share your thoughts with me instead of facing alone even though I know I am the one who made him stressed. I hope you don't feel angry after you read the next few sentences. I peep your phone and found out that one of your friend was mentioning a girl named _. The message was like you wish to travel with her but you can't make this mistake as I was still by your side. I was too kind to forgive you, babe. It seems like you got your next target before you officially _ with me. Sorry for not mentioning the word as I don't like it. I felt so disappointed. I know it was my fault to scroll through your phone but don't forget you did this too when you suspect my relationship with another guy previously. I was not worry at all because there's really nothing between us. You should be guilty for went out with that girl alone privately.

On 2nd August 2019, he sent a message which state an "official announcement" regarding _. I just woke up that time and I was trying to ignore him for whole day but deep inside my heart, it hurts a lot. I remain silent for the whole day but then my emotion is out of control at night. Sending message and calling non-stop to him. Do you know that you just destroyed a dream of a little girl? A girl who always have a dream of wearing wedding dream, walking in the chapel in 2 years time since our  8-year relationship is stable enough and growing old with you. Yes, the partner must be you. If you don't know how it feels, try to ask your boss to fire you from your dream job without any reason. My 8-year dream got destroyed in just a day. You're so cruel. During that week, I was reluctant to sleep and eat. I did nothing for the whole week. My body weight dropped 3 kg within 2 days. I didn't reply to any message except you and your dad. His parents were supportive enough to help me, took a flight flew to his state and tried to have a talk with you on the next day. So, I was waiting all the time and did nothing and wait for your parents to come back. During those days, I was keeping myself with all the positive thoughts "everything will be alright". I took out the letter he wrote to me during our first anniversary and cried for every sentence. He said that he was silly enough to make those promises. Let me correct you here, you're not silly, you just wanted to promise a good life and want me to handover myself to you that time. Besides, he asked me not to believe any man's words in the future. Hello, brother, how can you sustain a marriage if you don't trust each other? Do you wish to have a marriage with someone who don't trust you? I remember the day when my mom knew you was my boyfriend and she was like "HUH? How come you will love a guy with this kind of look?". I don't know, love is really blind maybe. You're really lucky enough to have me at that time. His parents came back on 8th August with conclusion that he doesn't wish to go back together. This made me fell into a deep deep valley again. I felt so hopeless and depressed for the next few days. How can a person who I love so much and sacrifice a lot can be so cruel to me? Starting from this week, I have 5 symptoms of depression:
  • Having depressed mood all days.
  • Insomnia, which became hypersomnia few days later.
  • Lack of appetite where I skipped meals for 3 days and then take 1/2 - 1 portion of meal each day afterwards. As I mentioned before, I lost 3 kg in 2 days.
  • Anhedonia/lack of interest in doing things which I supposed to feel pleasure such as designing, shopping, outing and baking.
  • Fatigue, I lay on bed and sleep and sleep again.


On the following week, I started to talk to my friend through phone call on 9th August 2019 which is one week after the incident happen. As a healthcare professional, I was taught that a depressed person really have to speak out to prevent unhappy incident. I felt a little bit relieved after talking with her. She asked me to give up on him since he can be that cruel to neglect me. For the reason why I chose her to be the first person that I'm willing to talk to is because I really hope someone can help me to "scold" him and she's the great candidate for me. She asked me to forget him and reminds me that a better one will come since I am way better than him. According to her, I got better family, education background, attitude and look as compared to him. She was right, why am I so worried and sad for these few days. After that I realised, I was sad because my 8-year effort didn't get my expected outcome. I felt like I have nothing suddenly. I had feeling of I can't even manage myself well, how can I manage other greater stuff then? And here's another symptom of depression appeared:
  • Feeling of worthlessness, I can't do things well.


I was alright after had a talk with my friend. However, I still can't accept the fact. And then one thing I saw strike me really hard few days later.
You
went
out
with
that
girl
alone,
far
from
the
city.
It really doesn't matter how I found out, okay? This made me fell into a deeper valley, again. I was on my way to climb up but this pushed me really hard till I fell again. How can he have the mood of going out with a girl happily just few days after that day? I was too naive to believe he neglected me because of heavy workloads and stress. I was so disappointed with him. What made me more disappointed was, his friends was helping him to keep the secret. On the next day, I was treating him like an enemy, I hate you and also hate myself. I had lots of revenge ideas in my head, spoiling your image is one of them since you need fame for your work. AGAIN, I was too kind to forgive you. I didn't revenge at last.

During the fourth week of August, I'm still in a depressed condition. I lost a total of 5 kg now. I had a dream on 21st August, the dream is about I'm choosing new clothes for myself. I had a habit of finding out what does the dream means by searching it online. My dream means a prediction of I will meet my true love very soon. To be honest, it's good to know this but I still in the trap of him, so I don't think I can accept a new one real soon even he really come to my life. He asked me to look for a better guy as he doesn't deserve me such a good girl. Now, it's my turn to ask you, will you feel regret if I will be together with a worse guy in the future? Will you regret to pass me to that guy and see me suffer for my entire life? Well, I guess you won't. I really hope that the better person you meant is you where you willing to improve yourself and deserve me. The next thing I would like to say is, sorry everyone, I realised I have a new symptom of depression. I have thought of harming myself to gain his attraction. Instead of having suicidal thought which some of the depressed patient have, I started to have plan to harm myself and hospitalise myself. I ever wished that I suffer from dengue fever and cry until a level that my brain is in hypoxia condition which can made me unconscious. I know it going to be really suffering. There's two sides of me now, one side asked me to do so and the other side stopped me from doing so. I felt so worst and hopeless now. It was impossible for me to forget him now, please, I beg all of you to stop asking me to forget him. I know he will regret one day for making this decision. I would like to say sorry again, I'm willing to forgive him and wish to get back with him. Please, everyone, I really hope to end this hardship but I don't wish to forget him. In my opinion, he treated me too well for the past 8 years but was losing his mind to make this decision a month ago, I'm really willing to forgive please. I know this doesn't look good as I have to lower my image to beg him back. I rather to be a fool and live a happy life with you than being smart and cautious with every move.

Let me stop here first and continue whenever I could...

14 June 2015

Tingkatan 1 Sejarah | Bab 3 | Kerajaan Awal di Asia Tenggara



Nota Sejarah (dwibahasa) - Bahasa Melayu & Bahasa Cina!
历史笔记(两种语言)

  • 适合给刚上国中的华小生


KERAJAAN AGRARIA 农业朝代
·         Menjalankan kegiatan ekonomi berasaskan pertanian 以农业为经济活动
·         Terletak di kawasan lembangan sungai yang subur dan kawasan pedalaman 位于肥沃的河流流域区和森林中
·         Menjalankan kegiatan pertanian (padi sawah, padi human, ubi taro), berburu, mengutip hasil hutan, dan menangkap ikan 种植(水稻、旱稻、芋头)、捕猎、收集森林产物和捉鱼
·         Kewujudan empangan dan saliran 有水坝和水道的出现



Kerajaan Angkor
Kerajaan Funan
- Pusat kerajaan 中央政府:Kawasan hilir Sungai Mekong
- Pusat kerajaan 中央政府:Vyadhapura
- Diasaskan pada abad ketujuh Masihi
始建于公元七世纪
- Diasaskan pada abad pertama Masihi
始建于公元一世纪
- Kawasan utama pertanian 农业主要区:Kawasan sekitar Tonle Sap
- Perlabuhan pertama 主要码头: Oc-Eo
- Baray (蓄水箱)- memudahkan sistem pertanian 使农业活动方便
- Kerajaan terawal di Asia Tenggara
东南亚最早的王朝
- Sistem pemerintahan tertumpu kepada raja yang mempunyai kuasa mutlak dianggap Deveraja政府系统劝归于有魔力的王者(或被称为 ‘Deveraja’
- Kaundinya (Gelaran: Kurung Bnam) ialah raja pertama
Kaundinya (称号:Kurung Bnam)是第一个王者
- Kewujudan Angkor Wat mewakili kewujudan Hindu-Buddha
吴哥窟的建设代表“印度佛”信仰的存在
- Fan Shih-man ialah jeneral yang agung
Fan Shih-man 是大将军
- Agama utama 主要信仰:Hindu-Buddha
- Tujuan membina empangan, saliran, dan takungan air 建水坝、水道和蓄水处的原因:
Mengairi pertanian 灌溉农作物
- Kerajaan ini telah mencapai zaman kegemilangan apabila pemerintahan Suryavarman I
这个王朝在Suryavarman II 的统治下成功达到黄金时代
- Sungai Mekong dan kawasan persisiran pantai membekalkan air & menjadi jalan perhubungan perdagangan
Sungai Mekong 和海边区域提供水源 & 成为商业交易的路线
- Kerabat-kerabat raja membantu dalam menjalankan tugas pentadbiran
王者的亲属帮忙处理统治业务



KERAJAAN MARITIM 海运朝代
·         Menjalankan kegiatan ekonomi berasaskan laut 以海为经济活动
·         Terletak di pesisir pantai 位于海域
·         Pusat kerajaan terletak di muara sungai kerana... 政府中央位于河口因为……
o   Muara sungai ialah kawasan penempatan penduduk 河口市村民居住的地方
o   Sungai menjadi laluan perdagangan ke kawasan pedalaman 河流是去森林深处的交易通道
·         Menjalankan kegiatan perdagangan, aktiviti membuat kapal, dan perikanan 做生意、做船和捕鱼
·         Mempunyai pelabuhan entrepot (ada kemudahan tempat tinggal, tempat menyimpan brang dagangan, kawasan berjual beli dan bekalan air) 拥有转口港 (有住处、置放商品的地方、商场和水源等设备)
·         Menjadi pusat pengumpulan brang dari kawasan pedalaman dan pulau-pulau yang berhampiran
成为收集来自深处和各岛屿商品的地方

1.    Kerajaan Champa

- Diasaskan oleh Chu-Lien sekitar tahun 192 Masihi 在大概公元192年由 Chu-Lien 成立
- Pelabuhan pertama 主要码头:Inderapura
- Terdapat pegawai memungut cukai 有收税官
- Bhadravarnom menerajui kerajaan pada tahun 400 Masihi
Bhadravarnom 在公元400年带领朝代
- Menerima pengaruh agama Hindu 受兴都教影响
3.    Kerajan Srivijaya

- Berpusat di Palembang, Sumatera (pelabuhan pertama) dan diasaskan sekitar abad ketujuh Masihi 在大概公元七世纪集中于 Palembang (主要码头)
- Kepentingan Palembang – pusat pentadbiran & pelabuhan terpenting 统治中心&最重要的码头
- 3 bahagian – pentadiran diraja (王家统治), pentadbiran daerah (区域统治), pentadbiran ketenteraan (军事统治)
- Raja berkuasa mutlak dianggap sebagai 有绝对权力的王者被视为:Raja di Gunung & Maharaja di Pulau
- Menteri 部长 – orang perantaraan antara raja dan rakyat 王者与人民的中间人
- Menguasai Selat Melaka, Selat Sunda dan Laut Jawa 管辖马六甲海峡、巽他海峡和爪哇海域
- Pusat pertukaran barangan (damar, kayu cendana, kapur barus, kemenyan dan lada hitam) antara China, India dan Barat.
中国、印度和西方交换东西(树脂、檀香、樟、香、黑胡椒)的中心
2.    Kerajaan Chih-Tu (赤土)

- Chih-Tu = Tanah Merah 红土地
- Diasaskan oleh Raja Guatama pada abad keenam Masihi 在公元六世纪由 Raja Guatama 成立
- Raja yang berkuasa mutlak menguasai kerajaan 有绝对权力的人统治王朝
- Sistem pemerintahan beraja mengikut pemerintahan kerajaan Srivijaya & dibantu oleh 3 orang menteri
Srivijaya王朝统治方式统治&3位部长帮忙统治
- Menerima pengaruh agama Hindu 受兴都教影响





4.    Karajaan Majapahit

- Diasaskan oleh Raden Wijaya yang menerima pengaruh agama Hindu-Buddha 由接受印度佛教的 Raden Wijaya 建立
- Raja Majapahit – Deveraja
- Dibantu oleh 4 orang menteri dan Perdana Menteri 4位部长和首相帮忙
-Mencapai zaman kegemilangan pada zaman pemerintahan Hayam Wuruk dengan bantuan Patih Gajah Muda
Patih Gajah Muda 帮助 Hayam Wuruk 的在其统治期中达到辉煌时期
- Pentadbirannya berasaskan Undang-Undang Manu Manu 法律统治
- Pelabuhan utama主要码头:Temasik & Kedah Tua
-Pada kurun ke-15, Majapahit ialah tempat perdagangan utama dan dikunjungi oleh pedagang dari Asia Tenggara, China, India, dan Timur Tengah 15世纪,Majapahit 成为主要商业中心,许多来自东南亚、中国、印度和中东的商人前来
5.    Kerajaan Kedah Tua

- Merupakan kerajaan terawal di Semenanjung Tanah Melayu 西马最早的王朝
-Dikenali sebagai 被称为 ‘Kataha’/ ‘Cheh-Cha’
-Pelabuhan utama 主要码头:Sungai Mas, kemudiannya berpindah ke (之后搬去) Lembah Bujang
-Menerima pengaruh Hindu-Buddha (Bukti: Candi di Lembah Bujang)
接受印度佛教 (证据:Lembah Bujang 的寺庙)
- Lembah Bujang – pelabuhan entrepot (Bukti 证据:penemuan wang perak, manik dan barangan kaca 发现银钱、珠子和玻璃成品)
-Faktor perkembangan pelabuhan 码头发展的原因:
      i.        Gunung Jerai – panduan kepada pedagang untuk bersinggah di pelabuhan Sungai Mas dan Lembah Bujang 为商家们指引方向去 Sungai Mas Lembah Bujang 码头
     ii.        Pusat pertukaran barangan 交换东西中心
    iii.        Tempat persinggahan pelayar 水手停留区
   iv.        Pusat perdagangan hasil tempatan 本地产品买卖区
    v.        Pusat perdagangan hasil bumi 自然产品贩卖区
   vi.        Kawasan utama pengeluaran padi 稻田主要出产中心