Hello everyone, I'm back to this blog after 4 years of inactivity. I was a Foundation student 4 years back and now I just graduated with Bachelor of Pharmacy. Yep, a healthcare professional who deals with drug. I'm back to here again to record and also to share with all of you about how was my life with depression which just happened a month ago.
First of all, don't be misled by the title. I'm not going to tell how the jobs of pharmacist cause depression however what I'm going to tell is how's my life living with depression as a healthcare professional. Well, the cause of my depression is simple yet complicated - the relationship issue. I know it might sound silly for some of you. You will never understand how I feel unless you stand in my shoes. I don't want to explain further regarding the cause. I just want to note down my daily life so that I can see how strong was I.
I have a great capability at remembering numbers and date, so I will start my story dated 25th July 2019. On this day, I started to have the feeling of being neglected, felt like he did this purposely. However, I told myself that I must endure this. I keep reminding myself "a man has his own thing to stress about too". I was really positive that time and continue to make myself busy with my own thing when he's not around. There's sometimes where my emotion was completely out of my control especially during late night. I was crying for the whole night till I was tired enough to sleep. He never realised because what he did was lying down and went into his sweet dream instantly. I was a quiet girl as well, maybe I thought I was strong enough to carry all the emotion inside my heart without expressing it out. He never realised my condition until there's a night (few days after 25th) where he asked me to meet him without my expectation. So, of course I wipe off my tears, changed a proper attire and then went to meet him. Still, a paper can't hold fire, my swollen eyes betrayed me. I think he roughly knew what've happened to me and then comfort me by telling me that it's a life challenge for us, just have to be patient and strong and sure we can overcome. I was too afraid to talk that time as I really scare that any of my sentence could made him to change his thought. He must be really stressed when he saw my condition that time. Besides, you told me you vape. It really hurts me a lot. I ever told myself since young, I DON'T WANT A HUSBAND WHO SMOKE, not to mention I'm a healthcare professional now, how the others look at me when they know my husband smoke?! I hid your vape instead of throwing it before I went back to hometown, you may find it in your house. There's a small memory I left to you anyway. He care for his image as well I know especially when he brought me to meet his friends. I've tried my best to make myself look good but just that I don't do make up. I've spent hundred thousand on my tuition fee unlike your some other friends who don't have this kind of trouble and can buy whatever make up kit they want. I already tried my best ad now please ask yourself, did you?
30th July 2019 is the date that I had to go back to my hometown since I've already completed my study. I was unwilling to go back but I have no choice since I have no role and purpose to continue staying here. I had really the worst night the day before I went back. I was crying all the night again but you still can sleep so tight. I was too sad and went to living room for some fresh air. I sat on the beanbag and asked myself "what made him changed to the current him which made me so sad?", "does he know that I feel the security he gave to me was at a critically low level?", "does he know he made me feel really upset these days before we separate?"... I gave myself an answer as well "he was just too busy to hunt for money to secure a better future, just forgive him". About half an hour later staying in living room, I went back to our room and continue crying. He gave me a hug but it was not warm as before. The reason why I felt insecure is because he posted a ig story which states that he wishes to travel alone and it gave me the feeling of he is stressed and wish to escape from something. I was really upset as you should share your thoughts with me instead of facing alone even though I know I am the one who made him stressed. I hope you don't feel angry after you read the next few sentences. I peep your phone and found out that one of your friend was mentioning a girl named _. The message was like you wish to travel with her but you can't make this mistake as I was still by your side. I was too kind to forgive you, babe. It seems like you got your next target before you officially _ with me. Sorry for not mentioning the word as I don't like it. I felt so disappointed. I know it was my fault to scroll through your phone but don't forget you did this too when you suspect my relationship with another guy previously. I was not worry at all because there's really nothing between us. You should be guilty for went out with that girl alone privately.
On 2nd August 2019, he sent a message which state an "official announcement" regarding _. I just woke up that time and I was trying to ignore him for whole day but deep inside my heart, it hurts a lot. I remain silent for the whole day but then my emotion is out of control at night. Sending message and calling non-stop to him. Do you know that you just destroyed a dream of a little girl? A girl who always have a dream of wearing wedding dream, walking in the chapel in 2 years time since our 8-year relationship is stable enough and growing old with you. Yes, the partner must be you. If you don't know how it feels, try to ask your boss to fire you from your dream job without any reason. My 8-year dream got destroyed in just a day. You're so cruel. During that week, I was reluctant to sleep and eat. I did nothing for the whole week. My body weight dropped 3 kg within 2 days. I didn't reply to any message except you and your dad. His parents were supportive enough to help me, took a flight flew to his state and tried to have a talk with you on the next day. So, I was waiting all the time and did nothing and wait for your parents to come back. During those days, I was keeping myself with all the positive thoughts "everything will be alright". I took out the letter he wrote to me during our first anniversary and cried for every sentence. He said that he was silly enough to make those promises. Let me correct you here, you're not silly, you just wanted to promise a good life and want me to handover myself to you that time. Besides, he asked me not to believe any man's words in the future. Hello, brother, how can you sustain a marriage if you don't trust each other? Do you wish to have a marriage with someone who don't trust you? I remember the day when my mom knew you was my boyfriend and she was like "HUH? How come you will love a guy with this kind of look?". I don't know, love is really blind maybe. You're really lucky enough to have me at that time. His parents came back on 8th August with conclusion that he doesn't wish to go back together. This made me fell into a deep deep valley again. I felt so hopeless and depressed for the next few days. How can a person who I love so much and sacrifice a lot can be so cruel to me? Starting from this week, I have 5 symptoms of depression:
- Having depressed mood all days.
- Insomnia, which became hypersomnia few days later.
- Lack of appetite where I skipped meals for 3 days and then take 1/2 - 1 portion of meal each day afterwards. As I mentioned before, I lost 3 kg in 2 days.
- Anhedonia/lack of interest in doing things which I supposed to feel pleasure such as designing, shopping, outing and baking.
- Fatigue, I lay on bed and sleep and sleep again.
On the following week, I started to talk to my friend through phone call on 9th August 2019 which is one week after the incident happen. As a healthcare professional, I was taught that a depressed person really have to speak out to prevent unhappy incident. I felt a little bit relieved after talking with her. She asked me to give up on him since he can be that cruel to neglect me. For the reason why I chose her to be the first person that I'm willing to talk to is because I really hope someone can help me to "scold" him and she's the great candidate for me. She asked me to forget him and reminds me that a better one will come since I am way better than him. According to her, I got better family, education background, attitude and look as compared to him. She was right, why am I so worried and sad for these few days. After that I realised, I was sad because my 8-year effort didn't get my expected outcome. I felt like I have nothing suddenly. I had feeling of I can't even manage myself well, how can I manage other greater stuff then? And here's another symptom of depression appeared:
- Feeling of worthlessness, I can't do things well.
I was alright after had a talk with my friend. However, I still can't accept the fact. And then one thing I saw strike me really hard few days later.
You
went
out
with
that
girl
alone,
far
from
the
city.
It really doesn't matter how I found out, okay? This made me fell into a deeper valley, again. I was on my way to climb up but this pushed me really hard till I fell again. How can he have the mood of going out with a girl happily just few days after that day? I was too naive to believe he neglected me because of heavy workloads and stress. I was so disappointed with him. What made me more disappointed was, his friends was helping him to keep the secret. On the next day, I was treating him like an enemy, I hate you and also hate myself. I had lots of revenge ideas in my head, spoiling your image is one of them since you need fame for your work. AGAIN, I was too kind to forgive you. I didn't revenge at last.
During the fourth week of August, I'm still in a depressed condition. I lost a total of 5 kg now. I had a dream on 21st August, the dream is about I'm choosing new clothes for myself. I had a habit of finding out what does the dream means by searching it online. My dream means a prediction of I will meet my true love very soon. To be honest, it's good to know this but I still in the trap of him, so I don't think I can accept a new one real soon even he really come to my life. He asked me to look for a better guy as he doesn't deserve me such a good girl. Now, it's my turn to ask you, will you feel regret if I will be together with a worse guy in the future? Will you regret to pass me to that guy and see me suffer for my entire life? Well, I guess you won't. I really hope that the better person you meant is you where you willing to improve yourself and deserve me. The next thing I would like to say is, sorry everyone, I realised I have a new symptom of depression. I have thought of harming myself to gain his attraction. Instead of having suicidal thought which some of the depressed patient have, I started to have plan to harm myself and hospitalise myself. I ever wished that I suffer from dengue fever and cry until a level that my brain is in hypoxia condition which can made me unconscious. I know it going to be really suffering. There's two sides of me now, one side asked me to do so and the other side stopped me from doing so. I felt so worst and hopeless now. It was impossible for me to forget him now, please, I beg all of you to stop asking me to forget him. I know he will regret one day for making this decision. I would like to say sorry again, I'm willing to forgive him and wish to get back with him. Please, everyone, I really hope to end this hardship but I don't wish to forget him. In my opinion, he treated me too well for the past 8 years but was losing his mind to make this decision a month ago, I'm really willing to forgive please. I know this doesn't look good as I have to lower my image to beg him back. I rather to be a fool and live a happy life with you than being smart and cautious with every move.
Let me stop here first and continue whenever I could...
